Saturday, April 21, 2012

Rant - feeling sorry for myself

I know this is not "quilt related", but it's my blog and I have to voice this somewhere, get it off my chest.

For the past almost 4 months we've been housing a boy/young man who knew Jim when he was younger and looks up to Jim as a father figure.  In doing so, we thought we'd be giving him a better chance at getting his life together in a more stable environment than he came from.

A little over a month after he joined our household, his new girlfriend came for a visit, a visit that has turned into almost 3 months.  They've known each other for less than 4 months (started chatting on the net), and then basically "shacked up" in our house after maybe a month and a half - never meeting each other in person previous to that.

Neither one has their high school diplomas, both have very limited work experience, and both are collecting welfare.  In the past few weeks they've been looking for a place to live because we honestly can't afford to continue to house them, even with the meager amount they contribute to the rent/food/utilities expenses - which have significantly increased since they have been here.

But that's the way my household, even before Jim came into my life has been.  I've always helped people when I can, in whatever way I can, hoping it will help get them back on their feet.  That's what friends are for.  And I continue to do this, even though I've been burned so many times in the past.

This morning I was informed that they're pregnant.  They are both under 25, she being closer to 20.  Now not only can they not support themselves, but in about 7 months they are going to have a baby to feed, diaper and raise.

I'm trying to be happy for them, a baby is a wondrous thing, no matter who it is. 

But I can't help but think of how much (for 20 years) I've wanted a baby.  And how much I see myself as a failure as a woman for not yet getting pregnant.  The five years Jim and I have been together, it's one thing we both want, yet hasn't happened.  And my time is growing short... I'll be 45 this coming September... well past the age, according to statistics to get pregnant and have a healthy baby.

I guess my biggest rant is that it's not fair!  Why would life give these two completely unprepared and seriously irresponsible people the opportunity to have a child, when it's continually denied me to have that opportunity?

It just feels like life keeps slapping me in the face with this.  One of my other girlfriends who met her significant other around the same time Jim and I met, got pregnant herself last year and has given birth to a beautiful baby girl.

We've looked into the local fertility clinic and of course every procedure has a fee, nothing is covered by our health care system. The most unfortunate part is that we've heard there is close to a one year waiting list to get into their system. I don't yet know if that includes the basic tests to see if we're even fertile, we haven't investigated that far yet.

I'm just beside myself with pity and confusion. 

Maybe it's because I want it so much that it won't happen.  But that doesn't make sense.  Everything I've learned over the years is that if you want something bad enough, and focus on it strongly enough, eventually it will happen.  Power of positive thinking right? 

Well, for some reason it's not working for me :( 

End of rant.... I can continue my crying in my sewing room, away from them, so they don't have to see how disappointed I am with the hand life has dealt me... and try to be productive in other ways.

I promise to post something "quilty" before the end of the weekend.


  1. I could say all the platitudes that you've heard (and probably said to yourself) a thousand times, but really I just want to give you a hug. They might seem like kids, but the two you have living with you are fully grown legal adults and it's time for them to take on those responsibilities. You and your dear husband need that more than anything right now - the space and peace to love each other and support each other. Take care of yourself. VermontPines at aol dot com

  2. I listened to a program on NPR this morning on my way to work that was about the process of invitro fertilization and how difficult this is for couples. One of the callers to the program talked about how she and her husband gave up the effort to have their own biological children and adopted instead - and how rewarding they have found this to be.

    Maybe it is time for you to stop beating yourself up about this and think of alternatives? Maybe these two 'kids' in your home would be thrilled to have their child adopted?

    for your pain and agony, in any case!


  3. I think my last comment might have sounded more harsh than I intended it to - if so, if it caused you any extra sadness, my very, very humble apologies! I only meant that you cannot help that you are not having a biological child of your own - that is entirely outside your control! Believe me, I know it can hurt ... but I encourage you to realize that IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT!

    Many hugs and my entire sympathy for your agony.


  4. HUGS to is so not fair and it stinks that so many unprepared couples have babies (I was one a long time ago) when so many others can't. There is a child or children out there that desperately needs you as his/her mommy. If your body isn't cooperating take another will love that child and it will be yours! I truly hope that it happens for you!


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