I know this is not "quilt related", but it's my blog and I have to voice this somewhere, get it off my chest.
For the past almost 4 months we've been housing a boy/young man who knew Jim when he was younger and looks up to Jim as a father figure. In doing so, we thought we'd be giving him a better chance at getting his life together in a more stable environment than he came from.
A little over a month after he joined our household, his new girlfriend came for a visit, a visit that has turned into almost 3 months. They've known each other for less than 4 months (started chatting on the net), and then basically "shacked up" in our house after maybe a month and a half - never meeting each other in person previous to that.
Neither one has their high school diplomas, both have very limited work experience, and both are collecting welfare. In the past few weeks they've been looking for a place to live because we honestly can't afford to continue to house them, even with the meager amount they contribute to the rent/food/utilities expenses - which have significantly increased since they have been here.
But that's the way my household, even before Jim came into my life has been. I've always helped people when I can, in whatever way I can, hoping it will help get them back on their feet. That's what friends are for. And I continue to do this, even though I've been burned so many times in the past.
This morning I was informed that they're pregnant. They are both under 25, she being closer to 20. Now not only can they not support themselves, but in about 7 months they are going to have a baby to feed, diaper and raise.
I'm trying to be happy for them, a baby is a wondrous thing, no matter who it is.
But I can't help but think of how much (for 20 years) I've wanted a baby. And how much I see myself as a failure as a woman for not yet getting pregnant. The five years Jim and I have been together, it's one thing we both want, yet hasn't happened. And my time is growing short... I'll be 45 this coming September... well past the age, according to statistics to get pregnant and have a healthy baby.
I guess my biggest rant is that it's not fair! Why would life give these two completely unprepared and seriously irresponsible people the opportunity to have a child, when it's continually denied me to have that opportunity?
It just feels like life keeps slapping me in the face with this. One of my other girlfriends who met her significant other around the same time Jim and I met, got pregnant herself last year and has given birth to a beautiful baby girl.
We've looked into the local fertility clinic and of course every procedure has a fee, nothing is covered by our health care system. The most unfortunate part is that we've heard there is close to a one year waiting list to get into their system. I don't yet know if that includes the basic tests to see if we're even fertile, we haven't investigated that far yet.
I'm just beside myself with pity and confusion.
Maybe it's because I want it so much that it won't happen. But that doesn't make sense. Everything I've learned over the years is that if you want something bad enough, and focus on it strongly enough, eventually it will happen. Power of positive thinking right?
Well, for some reason it's not working for me :(
End of rant.... I can continue my crying in my sewing room, away from them, so they don't have to see how disappointed I am with the hand life has dealt me... and try to be productive in other ways.
I promise to post something "quilty" before the end of the weekend.